Key lime pie, an investagative essay
Key lime pie, an investagative essay

So I recently thought of key lime pie. Not for any particular reason, just you know "How does it taste""Whats it like"

The essence of the matter is, I had no key lime pie. So I had to make it. Now being as I am, the chances of me having limes, or key limes for that matter, is extremely hard to see. As you know I'm not at my house, so the matter at hand is, why am I thinking of making key lime pie.

The reason is: I'm hungry.

So now I have a problem, it breaks down to simple stages you see.

1. Watch the Ten Commandments the musical, starring Val Kilmer

2. Figure out how to simulate the taste of key lime pie with Ramen, pizza, pop tarts, tea bags, some dust, sugar, salt. And a midget helper name Kiev.

3. Watch Evil Dead and Transformers the Movie to figure out the process of making the stuff.

Okay, so Ten Commandments wasn't as funny as I hoped. And it led nowhere near the completion to my key lime pie. In short, I failed step 1.

Step 2 was just as tough.

First I took the sourest pop tarts I know of. Strawberry ones (unfrosted, damn it damian), and mixed them into a nice homogenous mixture. As I look at it now, it looks like shit, smells like a used toilet in Mexico, and probably tastes like freshly made......lava with a little essence of shit. But hey, that's only step two. And I haven't even begun the process of cooking it yet, which I'll figure out by watching Evil Dead and Transformers.

The blow torch, easy to use, easy to burn with. After caramalizing the top of the pie to basically the strength of diamond I attempt to turn it off. After turning a valve a bit, a jet of flame shoots across the room. Now maybe I should've aimed at something less flamable than myself, but hey, I don't have that kind of hindsight. I never would've guessed the flames would do that. Or that they would be quite that hot. It looked like this



Now that I had freshly seared my sensory organs, I could safely go from toasting the concoction like a transformer to doing the evil dead part of the recipe. Which involved using a chainsaw to cut those little holes in the top of pies. Now this was easier if not messier than my last feat. As I hit the pie, green goop came flying out like great gobs of....I don't really know.



Now the pie was almost complete. All I had to do was bake it. Problem was, I had to use an easy bake oven to do it. To this day, I'm not sure how to light an easy bake pilot light.

So I used the blow torch.

I've never seen an Easy Bake oven melt so fast.

But on the bright side, the pie now has really cool looking wrapping. So I guess I won as well as lost.

So the pie is done. It's time to eat it.

First I must take this infernal plastic casing I made. Which was easy, I chain sawed it in half. But I can't seem to chew through this diamond sugar coating on top. So I slurped out the filling.

And I promptly fell down gagging.

This was some good shit.....if you wanted to die.

So I toss the pie, the shell, the tin, pretty much everything. I wonder if it will decompose like "normal" food. I doubt it.

So after this brief experiment, I figured out, I don't know shiut about key lime pies. About making, eating, or even if they are a tangible aspect of human civilization. Is it a wonder of the world? Or just a figment of our subconcious, to make us want an intangible item, wanting it, but never getting it.

What is a key lime? What is life?

What is this taste in my mouth?